The Fear

I am afraid to wear my natural hair.
There. I said it.

Growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood: Where all your friends have the long straight hair and it’s not anything CLOSE TO:

short

or kinky

or curly

or just flat out

…different.

People not understanding why my hair is different.

And me not able to explain it either.

It was an awful time.

And it took me a while to feel if I was ever pretty or attractive. That if

the white boys think black girls are pretty

or if they’ll ever

be into a black girl who just looks different from what they’re used to. I don’t even know.

This lessened my confidence growing up. And even tho I’m past the whole ‘do-boys-like-me-stage.’

Theres still small traces of not being 100% beautiful there.
Its hiding. Underneath the case of my cornrow extensions.

I haven’t even taken out my braids yet and that’s what makes it all the more dire
And real
And scary too.

I admit that, based on the way I’ve grown up, I’ve always wanted to have the “long hair.”

And with constant braids?
I never had the confidence or the self love to truly embrace my natural self.

It’s terrifying. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff looking down at the rocks, the rough waves, and the water. Not knowing if you’ll live or die.

(Okay Dramatic I know)

I just feel myself gauging my hair length through ALL the women on YouTube. Just screaming and fidgeting on the inside. Cause I have no idea how it’ll look.

But that’s why I need to do this. This fear is going to be an exact testament to the bravery I have. The confidence I’m reconstructing. There’s no wiggle room it’s just me. Bare, Nude and Vulnerable.
I Just need to take a deep breath and just dive.

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6 thoughts on “The Fear

  1. Ndeshimona says:

    It does take a lot to wear your hair as it is. It wouldn’t be truthful to downplay that and I love your honesty in this post. I’m excited for you to discover yourself and not be held back by others perceptions of you and your hair because your hair is a beautiful thing and something to be admired 🙂 All the best in your journey!

  2. isleofazure says:

    I agree with you and the other commenters, it takes a lot of guts, strength and determination to not only return natural but to stay, but let me tell you doll, after 1 to 2 years, you are hooked!!!!!What helped and helps me is to read about other girl’s journey, see what they went or are going through, will help you see, you are not alone, you got all kinds of natural sisters out there and in here who got your back and that is really nice to know. Plus your hair is awesome, enough said.
    Smiles!!!!!

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